To you, gentle crawler, we humbly suggest the onesie. Yes, the fuzzy jumpsuit once believed to just be pajamas for kids, the onesie has become an adult phenomenon in recent years. So before you go do the frantic shopping trip of shame, hitting the popup Halloween stores to pick through empty boxes and fight over a tattered, half-complete spice girl knock-off, or start digging in your old Xmas supplies to create yet another obnoxious dick-in-a-box, let us explain why you should just go get a onesie:
01. THEY’RE THE COZIEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE
Have you ever worn a onesie? They’re like wearing a baby seal, except without the stigma & guilt. They’re warm and soft, yet unlike most warm soft things you’re trying desperately to get inside they’re dry! You really can’t beat them. (you also should not beat a baby seal. ever. go get a onesie)
02. THEY’RE EVERYWHERE RIGHT NOW
Local clothing shops are full of them, big box stores have whole aisles dedicated to them- you could probably pick one up when you go to get gas.
03. THERE’S A ZILLION KINDS
There’s such a huge variety you can choose to be anything! They’ve got jedi onesies, superhero onesies, characters from movies and tv shows, pretty much every animal in reality or the fantasy world- they have EVERYTHING.
04. IT’S-A FULLY CONTAINED COSTUME
No need for makeup. No searching for the perfect accessories. You put on a onesie and you’re done- they’re not called Twosies!
05. HEY LADIES, THEY HAVE POCKETS!
That’s right, no more begging someone to hold your phone and makeup because these babies can handle it all. Break free from all the dresses and body suits that never did you a damn favor. Onesies are designed for independence.
06. YOU GET TO RE-LIVE YOUR CHILDHOOD
Assuming your childhood wasn’t a horrific shitshow like some of us, you probably get great joy connecting with the age of innocence. Wearing a onesie is like running around in footie pajamas but it’s somehow become socially acceptable, while things, like drooling or crapping in a diaper, won’t be on the table for you for maybe 20-30 more years.
07. EASY REMOVAL
After a night out, who the hell wants to deal with clasps, buttons or belts? As you stumble home you’ll know that you’ll be out of your entire costume with one satisfying zip.
08. MANY ARE ALSO HOODIES
For those who want to make it a late night, remember the sun is waiting for you on the other side. Yes, the big fusion ball in the sky will be there tomorrow to cast judgment and pain on your little eyeballs. Many onesies now have hoods to shield you from all that.
09. THEY’RE REUSABLE
Onesies aren’t JUST Halloween costumes! They can be worn on holidays, at sleepovers, and any other time when you can sidestep generally accepted daytime attire.